Demons Disturbing my Sleep

Last night the demons disturbed my sleep with worries, thoughts, and most of all physical pain - my lower back hurt sooo much! I lay awake for an hour hoping to sleep despite the excruciating pain, then got up and applied deep heat plus a wrap and a belt. Another sleepless hour, I felt like throwing up and desperately wanted to sleep. To the rescue was my Dad’s vicodin helped me drift to sleep.

Perhaps that time of month… more likely the return of lower back pain that restricted my life in the fall. I had all types of tests and am still paying for it – this is America you know – health is not cheap! All the stress probably does not help …

I got a phone call from a friend who almost lost her house.

I know a thing or two about the foreclosure business as in another lifetime before the divorce I was a real estate investor with another friend of mine. Our daughters were in preschool together, we practically lived at each other’s houses. When our husbands were off on a business trip we would extend the play date to dinner. Together we would research recipes, gather ingredients, and cook together. It was so much fun, no matter that we were from different cultures, it was as if we were Sisters. We still are friends and always will be.

We expanded beyond the roles of housewives and mommeys to saavy businesswomen. We research the blue sheet (a report of all the houses in Santa Clara County for sale at auction by a trustee). We would pick the most profitable in our price range and divide up the list for each of us to go see the houses and report back our findings. For months we would do this and then go to the court house to bid on the desired real estate. This in itself was extremely depressing, we would see all types of people down and out. The devastating affects of divorce was completely exposed. We thanked God we were married even though both our husband were a bit hard on us (seemed natural, no biggy).

The bidding process as my friend put it best, in Spanish first, was similar to the story of the twelve thieves. Finally our persistence paid off and we bought a condo that we visited together where the occupant was gone only a stray cat entering the place from a broken window left evidence with pooped on the carpet. The same day we rechecked comps, budgets completed, and Juan the contractor come down to give an estimate for the renovation. We turned around and sold the condo for an extremely high price in about a month and had an extra 40k.

I would have continued with real estate investment but my husband was completely unsupportive. As you can figure I was preoccupied with the management of a new kitchen, bathroom, fence, and gardens plus the sale which left many nights that my husband had to come home to no dinner on the table. And he complained that he had to pay tax on that amount, I just listen in disgust because I felt I was in a lose-lose situation. He complained that I did not work and then when I did work he also complained. So I gave up real estate investment and got my real estate license.

Now in present day, no husband, I miss my friend as life has swept our time as women sharing life’s ‘to do list’ together away, and I can’t sleep because of back pain. This brings us back to the story of my other friend, single mom with a great daughter who is like my Vietnamese Sister, almost losing her house.

She was a loan officer and real estate broker and if any of you know – many in those industries are starving! Well she was in the process of restructuring her loan and called the bank on Tues. and found out that her house sold at the 10 a.m. auction earlier that day! A bank error! The next day two men come by her house to hand her the 3 day notice, in which she explains to them that there was a mistake she was in the process of restructuring her loan. Can you imagine the horror for a Mother to handle this?

I suppose it is happening all across U.S. My friend knows the law and kept calling and talking to people and now a week of hell later she will still be able to stay in her home.
I feel really bad for my friend. As all things in life are extremely complex I also worry as she owes me A LOT of money. And right now I could use it.

I internalize my stress in my body, which I don’t really understand because I seem to express myself just fine.

Or maybe it is everyone trying to help and offer suggestions for me to find a job. I appreciate the suggestions, but don’t really want them because they just stress me out more.

Do they really think I am that stupid? I saw the writing on the wall before this year started, I analyzed my finances and decided this year I would not work. No - I do not get unemployment, but I am frugal (most of the time) and wise with my money. So this year I will not be wise, I will live in the red. I have my emergency fund.

The problem is actually doing it is extremely unnatural and stressful for me. So instead of trusting my plan to write my book and live in Paris for a month, I am scrambling to get some money in, thinking of ways, preparing a Craig’s listing for walking dogs service, etc…I know I am blessed with very loving friend and family. I know this year will be hard. But I know if I only stop stressing there can be tremendous growth.

It is hard to trust your self when so many around you don't. 

Tallys for Tuesday

Overall a good day, good state of being, but as the day wore on I felt more overwhelmed than not.  At the end of the day I was in front of Blessed Mary on my knees praying for strength...

I started the day with acceptance that I would be doing something different with my life, even a sense of relief for change. 

I had been isolated at work.  Communication gone as I was invited and then not given any details to the meeting with the client and questions on how the team wants me to handle hits and strong editorial opportunities were ignored.  I was told I was last on and first to go.

I was looking forward to some mindless job where I don't have to deal with egos.  I even was resigned to not be in communication with Editor-In-Chief, Presidents, and VPs.  Ahhh the simple life.  Then I get an email from my boss that I do have project in an email signed xoxo.  My mindset shattered and I am going to be back on which is great news for a single mom.  I think.

Midday the doorbell rings and it is my neighbor wanting to discuss the proposed Santa Clara stadium.  He is against it and I am for it.  He leaves me a copy of an article from the Mercury News for me to read so we can discuss (aka open my eyes)

I have a belly dancing performance this Sunday and just found out about it this past Sat.  My dance teacher wanted to have practice tonight at 7pm.  I have a parent meeting at my daughter's school at 6-7:30.  I ask my Ex to please go to the meeting as I cannot go to it.  He can't go to it.  I thought about it and he has not gone to any parent meetings in the past 3 years we have been separated/divorce.  Then I thought more and I don't think he has ever gone to a parent meeting.  I would blast him but I don't have the energy, don't want to waste brain cells.

So I go to the meeting, my Dad watches my daughter for me, and I feel completely attacked at the meeting.

Now to be fair no names were mentioned, but if I did not feel like I would break down crying from an overwhelming feeling of drowning, I would have been swinging at some people. 

As it is I stayed quiet.  I listen to them say that they chose to have their child at a Waldorf school so there would be no media (tv, computer, ipod, etc...)  I listen to them saying they should have a rule and stick to it and not deviate from their standards because of sympathy. 

At that point I see the writing on the wall...even though I have an ancient, tiny TV that does not get reception, I do not live in a vacumn.  In fact divorce really lessens your control over your child (my Ex allows all that.)  And who am I kidding- the Grandparents think it is hog wash.  I don't think young children need technology, but as they get older it is not that bad for them. 

I allowed my daughter to have an email address as the kids plan a summer camp for younger kids.  Grandpa gave her an Ipod.  The point is my head is on the chopping block and my 11 yr old may get kicked out.

I tried to call one of the Mothers a couple of times when out of the meeting who told the story that her Husband set up an email account when her daughter was 3yr old and she does not use it.  Since when I got in my car I had an email from her daughter (my daughter's email goes through my blackberry).  She never answered my calls.

As my overweary body, brain dead, and drained self leaves the church, I must have received some comfort praying.  God only gives me what I can handle, I will get through all this, with God all is possible.  I am in the place I need to be in.  I believe in the future.