Monday, May 30, 2011

Spring Cleaning II - 1-7

As described in my previous blog I started the process of releasing to God unwanted emotions and memories that may be holding me in a place I don't want to be. The first 7 emotions are shame, anger, fear, unforgivingness, judgement, distain, excessive responsibility, and pressure that I poundered and cleaned out of my system.

This exercise brings me back to how the elders in our family meddled in my personal affairs and played games with my Ex and I so much that when I told our marriage therapist she commented that it was amazing that we lasted 15 years. We really did love each other, but that is gone as we fought to maintain boundaries against these very powerful forces and lost.

Lost it all.

We were young and tender and we tried. Those close to us would provide us with love, meals, gifts then tell us how to live, from how to feed and dress my daughter to what we should or should not do. Advice is normal from those more wise, but if not followed war would rage against us, including telling everyone how bad we are, to out and out being mean to us (sly remarks, horrid looks, yells, arguements.)

We crumbled.

If you are young and in love please hold on to each other and keep trying to put boundaries up. If you are Mothers or Mother-In-Laws please try to keep your jealousy and judgement to yourself. Be wise and believe in the circle of life. Stop with the negativity and give love. Believe that you are powerful and do not try to divide. Because a broken home makes a horrible accomplishment, not good on a resume...make good chicken soup, kiss hurt knees, oh yea break up son/daughter's home. And the children suffer the most.

As both of us fell under the heavy forces around us. With their confilting ways, so generous one day, firing darts at our young relationship the next. My Husband fell as most men did in the arms of another woman. I feel into negativity, nasty words, looks, and harsh tones. As a pisces I retreated into an imaginary land, trying to ignore the daggars being stabbed into my flesh. Indeed weakly attempting to be left alone and in love with one another. Then he started stabbing and my ears turned deaf to his complaints about me, the yard, house, and the order of our lives. Validating himself in the arms of another that he had to escape this mad woman as I screamed in defense when the tearing of my flesh was too much to bear. Times when I was out of control I noticed peace and a smile over my Husband's face.

I continued through the circumstances and situations that created the above 7 emotions and released everything to God. This is a bit late for spring cleaning...but I figure better late than never.

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